LOS ANGELES, CA — In a new initiative to streamline the school's identification process, UCLA announced it would be replacing previous student IDs with new fashionable identifying armbands.
Taking inspiration from historical European fashion trends, administrators at the university sought to develop a new way to quickly and efficiently identify certain students, settling on distributing highly visible armbands as the best option.
"Now we'll know who everyone really is!" said UCLA spokesperson Rita Barnett. "With so many unsettling things taking place on college campuses these days, it can be helpful to know who everyone is and prepare to deal with them accordingly. These new armbands will make things so much easier as we figure out a final solution for certain… people groups. Ya know. Those deplorables who are a threat to the world by their very existence. And they're so fashionable, too!"
Student feedback about the armbands was mixed. "I feel like I've seen similar things before," said Eric Rothstein, who had been asked to wear one. "I can't quite remember, but it seems like this has happened before somewhere in Europe about 85 years ago. They don't really teach us much about history anymore, though, even in history classes, so I can't say for sure."
Others were heavily in favor of the move. "Yes!" said student Ahmed Al Vaziri. "Now we will know who they all are… I mean, who people are. It's a step in the right direction. Death to Israel, thank you."
At publishing time, UCLA officials announced they were also putting together a plan to gather all armband-wearing students into special dormitories with students being given the option of receiving identifying serial number tattoos on their arms.
