All the news that's fit to print
NY TIMES - SEPTEMBER 12, 1945
BERCHTESGADEN — In a move that has shocked the international community and deeply offended the editorial board of the New York Times, President Donald J. Trump ordered a precision airstrike on a Bavarian chalet late last night, successfully eliminating Adolf Hitler and the entire Nazi high command - without so much as consulting Congress and bypassing all legal requirements.
While the rest of the world celebrates the end of the war, domestic critics are raising "serious concerns" about the President’s tone, his timing, and his blatant disregard for the delicate ecosystem of the Rhine Valley.
THE EDITORIAL BOARD: "A Dark Day for Diplomacy"
The New York Times
"While the cessation of hostilities is a goal we all share, we must ask: at what cost? President Trump’s decision to terminate the German leadership without a three-year discovery phase in the Hague is a blow to the norms that sustain our global institutions. By opting for a 'kinetic solution' rather than a strongly worded series of cultural exchange programs, the President has signaled to the world that America prefers 'results' over 'process.' Furthermore, the smoke from the explosion has likely set back our carbon neutrality goals for the 1940s by several weeks. It is, quite simply, not who we are."
THE SENATOR’S STANCE: "The Billionaire Class"
Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT)
"Let me be clear: I am no fan of the Chancellor. But what we saw last night was a classic example of the military-industrial complex doing the bidding of a billionaire in the White House! We have money to drop bombs on bunkers in Germany, but we don't have money to provide universal dental care to the peasants of the feudal era? And let’s look at the optics: Trump didn’t even consult the local labor unions in Obersalzberg before the strike. This was an attack on the working class—specifically, the working class people who were tasked with developing the struggling German economy and feed their hungry children!"
THE ORATOR’S OUTLOOK: "The Arc of History"
Barack Obama (Former President/Citizen)
"Now, let me be clear... and I’ve said this before. The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. But that bend... it requires a certain... deliberation. It requires us to sit down with our adversaries, perhaps over a craft pilsner, and find that common ground. When we act impulsively—when we don't allow for the 'pomp and circumstance' of a nineteen-month multilateral summit—we lose a little bit of our soul. We don't just want to defeat an ideology; we want to make sure that ideology feels heard before we dismantle it."
THE VISIONARY’S VETO: "Intersectional Warfare"
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)
"Okay, so, first of all? This is literally a war crime against the environment. Like, do we even know the ecological footprint of a bunker-buster? The disproportionate impact of this explosion on the local alpine flora is just... it’s a lot. And honestly, the fact that the strike team was entirely male-coded? It’s 1945, people. We are bombing a fascist regime, but we’re doing it through a lens of heteronormative hegemony. We need to stop centering 'victory' and start centering the lived experiences of the people who now have to find new jobs in a post-Nazi economy. It’s problematic."
THE RADICAL LOVE RESPONSE: "The Architecture of Peace"
Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ)
"I am standing here in the rain, and my heart is just... it's heavy. I believe in a world built on the architecture of love. When we use fire to fight fire, we all get burned. Did the President try to hug it out? Did he look the Fuhrer in the eye and say, 'I see you, I value you, but your vibes are off'? No. He chose violence. And as I recite this poem I wrote on the way over here, I want us all to remember: true strength isn't killing a tyrant; it’s forming a subcommittee to study the root causes of why the tyrant felt the need to invade Poland in the first place. I am going to give a 38 hour speech explaining this in more detail."
THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL VETO: "A Prayer for the Decorum"
Former Vice President Mike Pence
"Now, let me say this: my wife, Karen, and I are people of faith. And while we understand that the President has a duty to protect the American people, we believe that any and all eliminations of global dictators must be done in a way that is decent, in a way that is orderly, and in a way that honors the sanctity of the traditional diplomatic household.
I’ve often said that I don't believe in the use of high-altitude munitions after 6:00 PM unless my wife is present in the Situation Room. There is a right way and a wrong way to dismantle a genocidal regime. The President’s 'Rough Rider' approach—this 'shock and awe'—frankly lacks the quiet, humble submission to the bureaucratic process that the American people expect from their leaders. We should be on our knees praying for the souls of the bunker occupants, not on our feet cheering for a direct hit. I will be retreating to my study to reflect on the lack of civility shown to the Third Reich’s chain of command."
Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA)
"Now, look, I’ve been watchin' the New York Times have a high-octane nervous breakdown over this, and frankly, it’s as entertaining as a cat on a hot tin roof. They’re upset because the President didn’t fill out a three-copy permit in Triplicate before deliverin' justice.
But let’s be as clear as a glass of moonshine: Hitler was a bad seed. He was the kind of fella who’d steal the coins off a dead man’s eyes and then complain they weren’t gold. You don't try to 'dialogue' with a rabid dog in your hen house; you deal with it. President Trump didn't wait for a subcommittee to decide which fork to use at a state dinner—he just took out the trash.
Is it loud? Yes. Is it messy? You bet. But at the end of the day, I’d rather have a President who acts like a hammer in a room full of nails than a leader who acts like a wet noodle in a windstorm. The elites in Washington are upset because he didn't use 'proper etiquette' to end a world war, but out in the real world, folks are just glad the lights are stayin' on. It’s better to be decisive and slightly offensive than to be 'nuanced' and speakin' German by Thansgivin'."
White House Response: In a brief statement issued via carrier pigeon, President Trump remarked: "Big win. Total losers gone. Hitler was a low-energy guy, frankly. Very overrated. We're going to have a beautiful parade—the biggest parade anyone has ever seen. Germany is going to pay for the cleanup. Maga."
