VATICAN CITY — Pope Leo boldly proclaimed today to 1.4 billion Catholics [including 2 nuns who have a secret crush on him but know they have no chance to ever marry him] who naively follow him that God does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, so long as you don't count King David, or Joshua, or Gideon, or Samson, or Elijah, or Hezekiah, or any of those other people in the Bible.
"God will never answer the prayers of those waging war," declared Pope Leo. "That is, if you ignore that bit in the Bible about God answering Moses' prayer when Israel battled the Amalekites. And the bit about David's prayer before facing Goliath. And the bit about God answering Joshua's prayer when he marched on Jericho. And the bit about God answering Gideon's prayer when he fought the Midianites. And the bit about God answering Elijah's prayer at the showdown against the prophets of Baal. And the bit about God answering those Psalm prayers that King David composed when he was at war. And all the other bits in the Bible too."
The Pope assured listeners that other than those slight exceptions, God definitely does not listen to the prayers of those engaged in war. "The Lord otherwise will never, ever listen to those who wage battle," said Pope Leo. "I am saying this not because the Bible bears this out. On the contrary - the Bible shows just the opposite. But I am saying this because I am the infallible Pope and I am against the 'atrocious' war in Iran so the best way I can convince people that I am right is by misrepresenting the Bible and God."
At publishing time, Pope Leo had clarified that you should also probably not count any modern generals like George Washington, just to be safe. God definitely didn't listen to his prayers or any other general for that matter. That would also include, the Pope insisted, all of the Americans who fought the Nazis in World War 2. God, insisted the Pope, is a pacifist like me and Gandhi.
