THE FAULTS OF OTHER PEOPLE
1. See the virtues of other people.
A. Focus on the virtues of everyone you meet and honor them for those qualities. (Ohr Yechezkel, Michtavim, p. 195)
B. Work on mastering the habit of speaking well of everyone and everything you can. (Tomar Devorah, ch. 2)
C. As soon as you start thinking about someone’s faults, make a concerted effort to immediately think of their virtues. Try to visualize their good qualities and the positive things they have done. This is especially important to do when you become angry at someone or if you are beginning to become involved in a quarrel. (Rabbi Reuven Dov Dessler: Tnuas Hamussar, vol. 5, p. 180)
D. One reason it is forbidden to speak derogatorily about others is that such speech manifests a lack of awareness of that person's virtues. If you were truly aware of their positive points, you would not focus on their faults. (Ohr Yoel, vol. 3, p. 121)
E. If you constantly look for the faults of others, you will overlook opportunities to find the good in them. By focusing on their virtues, you can use them as models to help improve yourself. (Rabbi Yitzchok Blazer, Kochvei Ohr, p. 156)
F. Train yourself to find even the most minor good qualities in other people. (Cheshbon Hanefesh, no. 89) Even if someone has many faults, find the good in that person. (Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p. 195)
G. Rabbi Gershon Henoch of Radzin used to say that even when someone finds fault with another, the listener often has the ability to find a positive angle. For example, if someone complains that a person talks during the Chazan’s repetition of the Shmoneh Esrei, we can at least infer that the person attends the synagogue. (Otzar Pisgamim Vesichos, vol. 2, p. 11)
H. The way to overcome a fault is to behave in the opposite manner. Therefore, if you have a habit of looking for faults, go out of your way to find virtues in every person you meet. Say to yourself: “This person accomplished such and such,” or “That person overcame a great difficulty.” Similarly, when someone shares a Torah thought with you, try to find an aspect of it that you can admire. (Ma'archei Lev, p. 91)
I. A certain pious person was walking with his students when they passed the carcass of a dog that gave off a foul odor. The students commented, “How awful is the smell of this animal.” The pious person, however, observed, “How white are its teeth.” Hearing this, the students regretted their negative remark. The teacher wanted to show them that it is improper to speak negatively even about a dead dog, much less a living human being. If it is a virtue to praise a dead animal for its white teeth, it is certainly an obligation to praise people for their positive attributes. (Chovos HaLevovos 6:6)
J. A wise man was once asked, “How did you become a master over your entire generation?” He replied, “Because I never met a person in whom I did not see virtues greater than my own. If I saw someone wiser than me, I would say he fears the Almighty more than I do because of his greater wisdom. If someone had less wisdom, I would say his offenses are not as severe as mine because he lacks my level of awareness. If he was older, I said his merits are more numerous because he has had more time to do good. If he was younger, I would say his transgressions are fewer than mine. If he was my equal in age and wisdom, I would say perhaps his thoughts are more elevated than my own. If he was wealthier, I would say he has given more charity; if he was poorer, I would say he has more humility. Therefore, I showed honor and respect to everyone I met.” (Chovos HaLevovos 6:10)
2. Focus on your own faults, not the faults of others.
A. Focusing on the faults of others prevents you from noticing your own. What you need most is to discover your own mistakes and omissions to enable self-improvement. Just as a person is more concerned with curing their own physical illness than noticing the illnesses of others, this should be our attitude toward spiritual deficiencies. (Chovos HaLevovos 5:5)
B. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter said he went through three stages in his life: “When I first started studying Mussar, I found fault with the entire world and judged myself favorably. Afterward, I also found fault with myself. Eventually, I learned to judge others favorably and found fault only with myself.” (Nachalas Yosef, Torah, pp. 114–115)
C. A wise man said, “There is nothing easier in the world than finding faults in others, and nothing more difficult than recognizing one’s own.” (Pele Yoetz: Zilzul) It is easier to find one thousand faults in a friend than to find one fault in yourself. (Keser Chochmah 11:23)
D. The Baal Shem Tov taught that just as a mirror reflects our own image, whenever we see a fault in someone else, we should realize that we likely possess some aspect of that same fault. (Keser Shem Tov, 14a)
E. A man told a wise man about someone else’s faults. The wise man retorted, “Now you have revealed your own faults to me. A person does not see the faults of others unless he himself possesses them.” (Me’am Loez: Pirkei Avos 4:1)
F. If a person with faulty character traits gains wisdom, he may become arrogant. For such a person, study can become "poison." He will use Mussar (ethical) teachings to seek out the faults of others rather than correcting his own. (Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p. 262)
G. We can master the habit of thinking about the good qualities of others while overlooking their faults. When we are busy improving our own behavior, we will not have the time or interest to focus on the flaws of others. (Maaneh Rach, ch. 13)
H. Whenever you see a fault in another, instead of condemning them, focus on yourself. Find ways to prevent yourself from falling into that same fault. Ask yourself, “In what ways do I have that same fault?” (Alai Shur, p. 137)
3. Do not blame other people for your mistakes and faults.
A. People often complain about their environment and blame others for their personal failings. They mistakenly think that changing their surroundings will solve their problems. However, the core of the problem is often internal; the solution is self-improvement. (Rabbi Yosef Leib Bloch, Shiurei Daas, vol. 3, p. 50)
B. When a wise man makes a mistake, he blames himself. When a fool makes a mistake, he blames others. (Chayai Hamussar, vol. 1, p. 72)
C. People tend to blame others for their faults but take personal credit for their virtues. It is much more beneficial to give credit to others for your virtues (to avoid arrogance) and to take responsibility for your faults (to ensure correction). (Rabbi D. Budnick, Chayai Hamussar, vol. 2, p. 207)
D. If you blame someone else for your wrongdoing, you will not improve and are likely to repeat the mistake. Only by taking responsibility can you change. Even if someone else was involved, focus on what you can do to prevent a reoccurrence. (Hegyonai Mussar, vol. 3, p. 12)
E. A wise person has the courage to accept responsibility for failure. This accountability ensures that they will be more careful in the future. (Alai Shur, p. 164)
F. A basic Torah principle is that we have free will. We are responsible for our own lives. Rationalizations such as “It’s my parents’ fault,” or “My teachers are to blame,” are unacceptable. It is up to you to decide how you will behave in any given situation. (Toras Hanefesh, p. 45)
G. People often blame others to avoid the pain of their own responsibility. If someone suggests you do something improper and you listen, it is still your fault. You had the power to withstand the pressure. (Toras Hanefesh, p. 100)
4. Learn to overlook the faults of others.
A. The Chazon Ish wrote: A person who truly loves humanity is concerned only with not harming or slighting others. He is prepared to accept insults because he knows that most people have not yet perfected their character and should not be blamed. An elevated person finds even his own smallest faults but overlooks the glaring faults of others. (Emunah U’Bitachon 1:11)
B. Someone once asked the Chazon Ish, “Is it forbidden to tell someone the truth [about their faults]?” He replied, “It is definitely forbidden!” Except for rare situations where one must speak up, we should not criticize others' mannerisms unless they ask for an opinion and we believe they are capable of changing. (Pe’er Hador, vol. 4, p. 162)
C. A righteous person has many virtues but will inevitably have a few faults. Only an evil person focuses exclusively on those few faults. (Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p. 253)
D. If someone has done both good and bad to you, try to forget the wrongs and keep the good before your eyes. Do not label them a "totally bad person" because of a single grievance. (Tomar Devorah, ch. 1)
E. It often happens that after someone does many favors for us, one single slight causes us to forget all the good. The proper attitude is to remember even one good deed while trying to forget a thousand wrongs. (Mussrei Rabbeinu Yonasan, p. 69)
F. There is an old Jewish saying: “He who looks for a friend without faults will have none.” Unless you learn to overlook the faults you cannot change, you will have difficulty dealing with people.
G. If you dislike someone, you have a special obligation to avoid seeing their mistakes. When you dislike someone, you are prone to feel happy when they fail, which makes any "admonishment" you give them an act of shaming rather than helping. (Dubner Magid, Sefer Hamidos: Shaar Hasinah, ch. 4)
H. The Chofetz Chaim used to say: “When a poor person asks for aid, do not look for faults in him to rationalize your refusal. Just as you take care of your own family despite their faults, you should help others even if they are not perfect.” (Hachofetz Chaim, vol. 3, p. 953)
I. When someone has worked on self-improvement, do not focus on what is still wrong with them. Appreciate how difficult it was for them to achieve the small amount of progress they have made. (Ahavas Meisharim, p. 33)
J. You may see someone who has studied ethics yet still has many faults. Do not think their study was in vain. Rabbi Simcha Zissel of Kelm once said of a student, “If this person had not worked on himself, he likely would have been a murderer.” He may be far from perfect, but he is much better than he would have been without effort. (Imrei Binah, p. 132)
5. Benefits of not finding fault with others.
A. Constantly finding fault with others manifests a major flaw in oneself. An honorable person focuses on the good qualities of others; in doing so, he learns from every person he meets. (Mussar Hatorah, p. 97)
B. If you judge everyone favorably and do not focus on their faults, you will become more careful about your own conduct because you won't use the "everyone else is doing it" excuse. (Bayis Ne’eman, p. 10)
C. A person who does not complain about others will be cherished by everyone. (Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, Sefer Hamidos: Kaas, no. 18)
D. Those who constantly find fault and judge others unfavorably will eventually find themselves without friends, as people will avoid their company. (Maaneh Rach, ch. 21)
E. You can only learn from a teacher if you judge them favorably. If you search for a teacher’s faults, you will never be able to learn from anyone. (Ruach Chaim 1:6)
F. In classrooms and discussions, it is important for a teacher to look for what is right in a student’s answer rather than what is wrong. While mistakes must be corrected, students will gain a love for their studies if the teacher focuses on their successes. (Imrei Haskel, p. 56)
