6. Take care not to speak against others.
A. Some people have a tendency to complain and find fault with others. They assume that everything another person does unintentionally was actually done with spiteful intent. This negative trait violates the Torah commandments to love others (Vayikra 19:18), to judge others favorably (ibid. 19:15), and the prohibition against speaking derogatorily about others (ibid. 19:16). A person with this tendency will frequently be drawn into quarrels. To overcome this, one should reflect on the immense harm this habit causes to one’s own soul and relationships. (Chofetz Chaim: Shmiras HaLoshon, Sha’ar HaTevunah, ch. 16)
B. The Chazon Ish used to say that being critical of others does not require much wisdom. Anyone with a sharp tongue or the ability to write can easily find fault with individuals or entire communities. (Pe’er Hador, vol. 4, p. 159)
C. A person who is aware of their own faults will be much more careful about blaming others for theirs. If you realize you have a specific flaw, you will understand how improper it is to publicize that someone else has that same shortcoming. (Ohr Yechezkel, p. 45)
D. Ultimately, all people are as one. When you truly identify with others, you will not speak negatively about them. (Tomar Devorah, ch. 1)
E. When people speak negatively about someone, it is often because they lack empathy. If you gave even a little thought to the person you are speaking against, you would not be able to do it. You would "hear" the person pleading: “Please have mercy on me; do not insult or humiliate me.” If you truly heard this, you would not be so cruel as to harm them with your words. (Rabbi Yeruchem Levovitz: Daas Chochmah Umussar, vol. 2, p. 6)
F. The way to build immunity to fault-finding is to stop seeking information about others unless it is strictly necessary for a constructive purpose. (Chofetz Chaim: Chovas HaShmirah, p. 20)
G. If you resolve not to listen to negative information about others, you will find it difficult only at the beginning. Once people realize you refuse to listen to derogatory speech, they will automatically avoid sharing it in your presence. They will know they will receive only disapproval from you, and they will become careful with their words when you are around. (Chofetz Chaim: Shmiras HaLoshon, Sha’ar HaTevunah, ch. 3)
H. Even if you see distinguished people who are not careful about Loshon Hora (evil speech), do not follow their example. Nevertheless, judge them favorably by assuming they are not aware of the severity of the offense. (Chofetz Chaim: Chovas HaShmirah, p. 20)
I. Some people belittle anyone whose name is mentioned because they mistakenly consider themselves so righteous that no one else can meet their standards. When speaking to such a person, be very careful not to mention anyone else’s name, for they will surely find something negative to say. (Zeh HaShulchan, p. 64)
7. Do not try to elevate yourself by putting others down.
A. When you study character traits, your focus should be on self-improvement. If it is not, you are likely to use what you study as a sword against others. You may integrate what you learn into an arsenal to find more faults in others, believing that the more faults you see in them, the more "elevated" you become. (Chazon Ish: Emunah U’Bitachon 4:12)
B. A major cause of fault-finding is the feeling that it elevates the speaker. One might think that by publicizing the faults of others, they will be viewed as being on a higher level than those they have put down. (Madraigos Haadam: Darkei HaBitachon)
C. When a person speaks about the faults of others, they are often trying to build themselves up indirectly. Because people are embarrassed to praise themselves openly, they denigrate others under the guise of being "concerned about the lowliness of the generation." In essence, they are seeking approval. When a person overcomes the need for external validation, they will stop denigrating others. (Rabbi Eliyahu Meir Bloch, z.t.l.)
8. Judge people favorably.
A. The Torah commandment to judge people favorably (Vayikra 19:15) teaches us to find merit in others in all situations. Even if a favorable excuse seems unlikely, it is still appropriate to seek it out. If you fail to judge a person favorably, you will be unable to feel love for them, thereby violating two commandments: "Love your fellow man" and "Judge your fellow man favorably." (Vesod Veshoresh Haavodah 1:7-8)
B. When you truly love someone, you will be able to find merit for them regardless of their faults or mistakes. (See Mishlei 10:12)
C. While we should be suspicious of our own motivations—realizing they are often not as pure as we think—we should make it our practice to judge others favorably. Even if someone seems obnoxious, there is always the possibility that they have virtues we are unaware of. (Rabbi Noson Tzvi Finkel: Tnuas Hamussar, vol. 3, p. 233-234)
D. Try to become aware of the moment you start thinking negatively about someone and immediately attempt to view them in a positive light. (Chinuch V’Edun Hahergaishim, p. 339)
E. The Baal Shem Tov taught that "Love your fellow man as yourself" implies judging others as we judge ourselves. We always have excuses for our own behavior; the commandment requires us to find those same justifications for others. (Rabbi Moshe Leib of Sassov: Hizaharu B'kvod Chavraichem, p. 175)
F. Do not look down on those with worse character traits than your own. Had you been born with their nature and lived in their environment, you might be exactly where they are now. (Derech Tzadikim, p. 20)
G. The more you are aware of your own faults and the difficulty of being a "good person," the more you will judge others with mercy. (Imrei Haskel, p. 29)
H. To find merit in others, you must acquire the habit of saying: “Not necessarily,” or “Who can say for sure?” Viewed from different angles, an action often looks very different. (Rabbi Chayim Shmuelevitz: Sefer HaZikoron, p. 101)
I. If you were aware of a person’s inner emotional state or the stress they were under, you would likely not blame them for their behavior. When someone speaks improperly while brokenhearted or depressed, we should assume they would not have said those things under normal circumstances. (Toras Hanefesh, p. 101; Ralbag; Pachad Yitzchak)
J. Even when a person performs a good deed just to gain approval, there is a positive aspect: they chose a good deed to get that approval rather than joining a group of evildoers. (Alai Shur, p. 156)
9. When you think you see a fault, realize you might be wrong.
A. It is impossible for any human to judge the true value of another. You may know someone’s faults, but they may have hidden virtues that far outweigh those flaws in the eyes of Heaven. (Chovos HaLevovos 5:5)
B. There are always missing details in any story. Often, if those details were known, the person would be shown to have acted properly. Remember: "The map is not the territory." A verbal description of an event is just a symbolic map; it is never the reality itself. (Chofetz Chaim: Shmiras HaLoshon)
C. To realize how often people are blamed unjustly, make a list of times you were blamed when you were actually innocent. When you are about to blame someone else, think of that list and realize you might be making the same mistake.
D. When speaking negatively about others, there is a high chance of exaggeration. You may end up guilty not only of Loshon Hora (true negative speech) but of defamation (false negative speech). (Ahavas Meisharim, p. 33)
E. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch wrote that we often cast stones at our neighbors based on mere rumors without hearing their side. It is better that a hundred people be judged too favorably than that one person be wronged in judgment. (Horeb, vol. 1, p. 58)
F. Leaving out specific details can distort the truth. For example, witnesses once reported a man eating on the fast of Tisha B'Av. While true, they maliciously left out the fact that that year Tisha B'Av fell on Shabbos, and the fast was actually postponed to the next day. (Jewish Leaders, p. 60)
G. In a quarrel, an outsider never has all the facts. One party may have claims they do not wish to publicize. Unless you are a judge in a court of law, suspend your judgment. (Even Haazel, vol. 8, 6:8)
H. Rabbi Eliyahu Kletzkin noted a "moral insanity" where national pride leads people to despise those who are different. Writers often sketch "aliens" or "strangers" in the darkest colors, misleading readers into thinking these people are degenerates, when the description is merely a product of the writer’s imagination. (Even Pinah)
10. Have a realistic balance.
A. Even when you have a valid complaint, speak to the person with honor and dignity, not in a belittling manner. (Rabbi Noson Wachtfogel: Sichos Mussar, p. 7)
B. Strive for accuracy. Do not be so naive that you are cheated, but do not be over-suspicious either. (Rabbi Yosef Hurwitz: Tnuas Hamussar, vol. 4, p. 309)
C. Love can affect judgment in two ways. Usually, love conceals faults. However, sometimes intense love for someone (like a child or spouse) breeds excessive worry, which can lead to increased fault-finding and complaints. (Pachad Yitzchak, p. 301)
11. Forgive!
A. "To understand is to forgive." If you could see into the depths of a person's being, your complaints would likely vanish. Do not allow a person's negative actions to erase their positive attributes in your mind. (Rabbi Eliyahu Meir Bloch: Shiurei Daas, pp. 95-96)
B. Rabbi Yisroel Salanter suggested that when someone wrongs you, instead of seeking revenge, do an act of kindness for them. Kindness generates positive feelings and can turn an enemy into a friend.
C. To overcome resentment, say out loud: "I forgive this person completely." Once you have verbally "absolved the debt," you have no right to continue being angry at them. (Ohr Yisroel, p. 116)
D. Make it a custom to forgive everyone for any wrongs they committed against you every night before you go to sleep. (Derech Tovim, pp. 114-115)
E. The pleasure of forgiving is far greater than the "sweetness" of revenge. (Ben HaMelech VeHanazir)
12. Help other people improve.
A. Love without correction is not true love. (Braishis Rabbah 54:3)
B. When you see a fault, work on helping the person correct it rather than condemning them. Friendly words of encouragement and praise are often more effective than criticism. (Hameoros Hagdolim, p. 255)
C. If you sincerely wish to influence someone, you must communicate love. If they feel your love, they are more likely to listen to your suggestions.
D. If you are unable to offer direct advice, at least pray for the person—pray that they succeed in correcting their character and in their studies. (Ma’archei Lev, p. 97)
E. Include yourself in the correction. By showing the other person that you also struggle with similar faults, they will feel less threatened. (Rabbi Nachman of Breslov)
F. Do not hate someone for doing wrong; feel the same pain you would feel if your own brother or child had done it. Correct them privately and pleasantly. (Dubner Magid: Sefer Hamidos)
G. If you only state complaints but never express gratitude for the positive things a person does, they will naturally feel resentful and ignore your criticism. (Pachad Yitzchak, p. 286)
H. Criticism is like a sharp knife: it is useful for cutting, but dangerous if used at the wrong time. Never try to point out someone’s faults when they are angry or upset. If your goal is truly to help them, wait for an appropriate time. (Bayis Ne'eman, p. 27)
I. A teacher should never use a student's faults as a justification to stop teaching them. On the contrary, the teacher should make a special effort to help that student grow. (Alai Shur, p. 268)
J. If you are intuitive and quickly perceive the faults of others, do not use this to look down on them. Instead, ask yourself: "How can I use this information to help this person improve?"
Gateway to Self Knowledge
