In a rustic wooden studio sits Tucker Carlson:
TUCKER CARLSON stares intensely into the camera. His brow is furrowed in that signature look of utter confusion mixed with deep concern.
TUCKER Good evening.
We’re told that diversity is our strength. That’s what the people in charge say. They tell you that a multicultural empire is a happy empire. But is it? Or is there a shadowy group of people—outsiders, really—who refuse to kneel? Who refuse to drink the state-mandated wine?
Tonight, we’re going to Shushan. The capital of the known world. A place where traditional values are under attack by a radical minority.
Joining us are two men who are trying to save their civilization. King Achashveirosh, the ruler of 127 provinces, and his Prime Minister, Haman.
(Tucker turns to the guests. Achashveirosh is wearing a velvet robe and holding a golden goblet. Haman is wearing a tri-cornered hat and looks extremely smug.)
TUCKER Gentlemen, thank you for coming on.
HAMAN (Nods gravely) It’s an honor, Tucker. A true honor.
ACHASHVEIROSH (Looking around the studio) Do you have any more of those little pigs in a blanket? The green room was fantastic. Truly top tier.
TUCKER We can get you more pigs, Your Highness. But first, let’s talk about the real issue. Haman, you’ve been called a "villain" by the mainstream media. The scribes. The scroll-writers. The Zionist controlled media. They say you’re obsessed with power. But when I look at your policy proposal—this "Decree of Adar"—it sounds to me like you’re just concerned about national unity. the Jews are separatists and have no place in our empire.
HAMAN Exactly, Tucker. Exactly. Look, I’m a simple man. I walk down the street, I wear my favorite idol on a chain—which is my right as a citizen—and people bow. It’s polite. It’s civilization. But then there’s this one guy. Mordechai. He sits at the King’s Gate. Does he bow? No. He just sits there. Staring. It’s aggressive. It’s frankly, chilling. Drives me bonkers.
TUCKER (High-pitched, incredulous laugh) He just sits there? And the elites in the palace... they’re okay with this?
HAMAN They ignore it! They say, "Oh, that’s just his religion." Tucker, since when is "not bowing to Haman" a religion? If you don’t bow to me, you don’t respect the King. And if you don’t respect the King, you hate Shushan.
TUCKER (Turning to the King) Your Highness, you run the biggest empire in history. From India to Ethiopia. That’s a lot of real estate. Do you feel like you’re losing control of your own borders?
ACHASHVEIROSH (Sips wine loudly) Well, Tucker, it’s complicated. I throw parties. Big parties. Six months long. Big. The BIGGEST. Believe me - NOBODY does it throws a party like. Lots of wine and women. Open bar. Gold couches. I try to be a man of the people. But Haman here came to me with some data. He had charts. Pie charts. Very convincing. He said there’s a "certain people" who are scattered and are not law abiding citizens and it is really not a good idea to let them stay.
TUCKER "Scattered." That’s the word they use. It means they’re everywhere.
ACHASHVEIROSH Right. And he offered me ten thousand silver talents to... fix the problem. Now, I don’t need the money. I’m very rich. But it’s the principle. If Haman is willing to pay that much, it must be a serious issue. So I gave him my ring. I said, "Do what you want." Was that wrong? I don’t know. I was very drunk at the time.
TUCKER See, that’s what they won’t tell you. The King was acting on data. But let’s go back to this Mordechai character. We did some digging. Turns out, he’s not just sitting at the gate. He’s organizing. He’s whispering. And the queen? She’s in the palace right now. Under a fake name. "Esther." Or is it Hadassah? Why the two names? What is she hiding? She is very, very secretive. Doesn't talk. This smells of conspiracy.
HAMAN (Leaning in, whispering) Tucker, it’s a deep state operation. The Queen hasn’t told anyone her background. Why? Because they know. They know that if the real Shushanites found out who is really pulling the strings, they’d be furious. I built a gallows. Fifty cubits high.
TUCKER Fifty cubits? That seems... high.
HAMAN It’s a statement piece! It says: "We value law and order." Is it tall? Yes. Is it visible from my bedroom window? Also yes. It’s about deterrence.
TUCKER (Nods slowly) Deterrence. It’s a word the liberals hate. But let me ask you this, Haman. You rolled dice. Purim. You left the date of this... event... up to chance. Why?
HAMAN Because I believe in destiny, Tucker. Its all about the luck of the draw. I believe that the universe wants me to win. Also, it came out at the right time. March is a slow month for me. Adar is wide open. I am calling it March Madness.
TUCKER (To the camera) Think about that. A man who plans his schedule around the fate of the nation.
(To Achashveirosh) Your Highness, I have to ask about your wife, Vashti. She disappeared. Just... gone. Because she wouldn't come to a party?
ACHASHVEIROSH Look, Tucker, she disobeyed a direct order. I asked her to come out wearing the royal crown. Just the crown - and literally nothing else. And she refused. A feminist!! I just wanted everyone to see how beautiful she is. And lemme tell you - she was beautiful The MOST beautiful queen ever. I know beauty. Nobody knows beauty like I do. But she was rotten. She didn't listen and come to the men's side. Low energy. Horrible rotten Vashti. I had to get rid of her. If the King’s wife doesn’t listen, then the guy in the provinces, his wife won’t listen to him. It’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know, women are reading. They’re voting. It’s anarchy.
TUCKER So you did it to protect the nuclear family.
ACHASHVEIROSH Exactly. I love women. Nobody loves women like me! I have a whole harem of them.
TUCKER (Stares blankly for three seconds) Fascinating.
(Tucker turns back to Haman) Haman, we’re almost out of time. But I’m hearing rumors. Rumors that the King had a sleepless night recently. That he read the chronicles. That maybe... just maybe... the narrative is flipping. Are you worried that Mordechai might actually be the good guy here?
HAMAN (Laughs nervously, sweat beading on his forehead) The good guy? The man wears sackcloth in public! He wails! Crazy fanatical rabbi! It’s performative grief, Tucker. It’s crisis acting. No, I’m not worried. The King loves me. I’m invited to a private banquet with him and the Queen tonight. Just the three of us. It just shows who is numero uno in this cabinet!
ACHASHVEIROSH Actually, Haman, about that... I was reading the book last night. Did you know Mordechai saved my life from Bigsan and Teresh? Those two security guards?
HAMAN (Voice cracking) Old news! Fake news!
TUCKER We’re out of time. King Achashveirosh and Haman. Two heroic men standing against the woke mob of Shushan. Will they cleanse of the kingdom of the cancer that afflicts it? Or will the radical left cancel them permanently? Only time will tell. Thank you so much for coming on my show, gentlemen.
