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In an unexpected twist of space-time, Donald Trump recently found himself in the modest, dimly lit study of Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan, better known as the Chofetz Chaim—the 19th-century sage who literally wrote the book on the laws of forbidden speech (Lashon Hara). Thanks to a 9 billion dollar time machine bought by Elon Musk, Trump was able to meet the Sage in Radin, Poland.
What follows is a transcript of the meeting that historians are already calling "The Greatest Deal of the 19th and 21st Centuries."
The Meeting in Radin
Trump: "Rabbi, I have to tell you, I love the office. It’s very authentic. A little small—maybe we could knock out a wall, put in some gold leaf, a big window looking out at a fountain. But the vibe? Very strong. Very vintage."
Chofetz Chaim: (Blinking slowly) "Welcome, traveler. I understand you have come to discuss the power of the tongue. It is written that 'Death and life are in the power of the tongue.' Every word is a world. You have issues with speech. Very dangerous."
Trump: "Believe me, I know words. I have the best words. People tell me, 'Donald, nobody uses words like you.' I’ve got 'yyyyyyuuuuuuge,' I’ve got 'tremendous,' I’ve got 'disaster.' I’m a word machine. But some people—the fake news, the losers—they say I talk too much. Can you believe that?"
Chofetz Chaim: (Picking up a copy of his book) "In my sefer, I explain that speaking ill of others, even if it is true, is a grave sin. It is like an arrow; once shot, it cannot be recalled. We must judge everyone with a scale of merit."
Trump: "I’m very big on merit. Merit-based everything. But Rabbi, let’s be honest. Some people have zero merit. Total low-energy people. I call them 'The Low-Merit Bunch.' Is it really Lashon Hara if I’m just being honest? Like, if I say a certain Governor is a total 'birdbrain,' that’s just a fact. It’s a beautiful fact."
Chofetz Chaim: "My son, even if it is a fact, if it brings no constructive purpose (To'eles) and only serves to demean, it is forbidden. Silence is the ultimate fence for wisdom."
Trump: "Silence? Rabbi, I’ve done the silence. I did a whole thirty seconds of silence once at a rally. People were crying. They said it was the most beautiful silence they’d ever heard. But you have to communicate! If I don't tell the people that 'Crooked So-and-So' is a disaster for the country, who will? I’m doing a public service! It’s constructive! 'Noeles?' you called it. I’m saving the world from bad adjectives!"
The Social Media Dilemma
Chofetz Chaim: "And what of this 'Truth Social' I hear you possess? Is it a place for Torah? For kindness? Or for spreading slander??"
Trump: "It’s a platform, Rabbi. A massive platform. We’re talking millions and millions of people. I post a 'Truth,' and boom—it goes around the world faster than a runaway horse. I think you’d love it. You could post 'Chofetz Chaim’s Thought of the Day.' We’d get you a verified checkmark. Blue? Gold? We’ll give you a platinum one. Very exclusive. You could become yuuuuugggee. I mean you'd become a social media star and you could buy a new place that isn't so sparse and bare."
Chofetz Chaim: "If a man speaks a word of gossip to even one person, it kills the speaker, listener and the one spoken about. To millions? That is a spiritual hurricane. One must think before every sentence and determine if it is forbidden or permitted speech. He has to check his heart to determine if he has good or evil intentions in his speech. And I am very happy with my home. We are all just traveing through this world. Did you have fancy furniture in the time machine you used to get here? No. It was just for traveling."
Trump: "I check my heart. My heart is great. My doctor said, 'Sir, you have the heart of a 25-year-old.' But look, the polls are through the roof. The people love the 'Truths.' They love the nicknames. 'Lyin’' this, 'Sloppy' that. It’s branding! It’s the Art of the Deal, but for nouns! And believe me - nobody knows better than me about real estate. You really gotta get an upgrade on this place. I mean, I will bring my people in - I choose the best people, believe me - and we can refurbish this place. Fifteen floors. You can have a study hall for your Yeshiva. A yuuuge massive study hall. Glamorous dining room. Dorms, swimming pool, gym and lots more! You and your wife can live in the lap of luxury."
The Final Offer
Chofetz Chaim: (Sighing gently and ignoring Trump's offer) "Perhaps we should start small. One hour a day. No speaking about anyone. No nicknames. Just... peace. And love. For all are created in G-d's image."
Trump: "One hour? That’s a tough ask. I’ve got calls, I’ve got rallies, I’ve got to tell everyone how great the economy is going to be. Tell you what—I’ll give you fifteen minutes of total silence, but only if we can label it 'The Trump Silence™.' We’ll market it. It’ll be the biggest silence in the history of Poland. People will come from all over to hear me not speak. It’ll be fantastic."
Chofetz Chaim: (Closing his book) "It is a start. May the Almighty help you find the beauty in a quiet tongue. 'One who guards his mouth and tongue, guards himself from many troubles.' Doesn't your mouth get you into trouble at times?"
Trump: "Thanks for the advice Rabbi. But it is only the fake news media that distorts my words. THEY should practice more silence. Lemme tell ya".
Trump's reaction to the meeting
"Great guy, the Rabbi. He really liked me so he is a great guy. Very humble. We have that in common. Kindred spirits, ya know. A bit of a 'Quiet-Talker,' but he’s got a great brand. Chofetz Chaim... 'Desirer of Life.' I like that. I’m a big desirer of life too. We’re basically the same, except for the beard and the gold towers. High energy meeting!"
