The setting: MetLife Stadium. The next Siyum HaShas. The lights dim. A single spotlight hits a podium draped in a velvet stender with a gold-leaf "T" on the front. Donald Trump approaches the mic, clears his throat with the dramatic weight of a Mashgiach about to deliver a mussar shmuz, and begins.
The Opening: The "Gevald" Factor
"Rabbis, Roshei Yeshiva, guys in the back row who are just here for the sushi—thank you. What a My'med!! What a gathering! I look out at this crowd and I say, GEVALD! It’s a total Gevald. I’ve seen big crowds, I’ve seen the inauguration crowds, but this is a holy crowd. A very spiritual crowd.
I was talking to my friend Yissochor Frand—great guy, wonderful storyteller, nobody says over a vort like him—and I told him, 'Yiss, the Jewish people, they’re winners. They’ve been learning this book for thousands of years and the ratings just keep going up!'"
The "Vort" (The Trumpian Twist)
"Let’s look at the Parsha, okay? Because it’s a disaster what’s happening in the desert. You look at the Meraglim—the Spies. Total losers. They went into the land, they saw the giants, and they had a 'small' mindset. They said, 'We look like grasshoppers.'
Can you believe that? Grasshoppers!
That’s a low-energy self-image. I would have gone in there and said, 'The giants? They’re fired. We’re building a luxury resort in Chevron, it’s going to be huge, and the milk and honey? We’re going to bottle it and sell it at a premium.'"
The Mussar (The "Shmuz" of the Deal)
Trump leans in close to the mic, his voice dropping to a gravelly, urgent whisper:
"But let’s talk about the tachlis. Let’s talk about the emes. You open the Gemara, you see the debates. Beis Shammai and Beis Hillel, Abaye and Rava. They’re fighting! They’re arguing! It’s like a board meeting at Trump Tower, but with more Aramaic.
But why do they do it? They do it for the truth. And let me tell you, the truth is a beautiful thing. It’s a strong thing. Nowadays, people don't like the truth. They like 'fake news.' They like 'fake halacha.' But you guys? You’re in the trenches. You’re doing the Daf. You’re doing the work. You’re making the 'Kinyan' on the crown of Torah, and believe me, it’s a very heavy crown. Very high-quality gold."
The Emotional Crescendo
"I saw a story the other day—a beautiful story, brings a tear to my eyes, really—about a little boy in a DP camp. He didn't have a Gemara. He didn't even have a sandwich. But he had a piece of paper and a pencil. And he wrote one word: 'AMERICA.' Wait, no, he wrote 'TORAH.' And he studied that word. He was a fighter. He was a winner. And today? That boy’s grandson is sitting right there in the tenth row, probably on his phone, but he’s here! That’s 'Netzach Yisrael' for you. That’s the brand! You can’t cancel the Jewish people. You can try, but the contract is ironclad. It’s signed by the Biggest Boss of them all, and his legal team is top-notch."
The Closing Bracha
"So, my blessing to you—the bracha of the century:
May your Parnassa be huge. May your Nachas be record-breaking. And may we all see the Beis HaMikdash rebuilt—and I’ve seen the blueprints, folks, it’s a very impressive structure, very 'classical'—speedily in our days.
And remember: Don't just learn the Torah. Win with the Torah. Because G-d loves winners.
Thank you, God bless you, and Mazel Tov on the Siyum!
[rousing applause]
