WASHINGTON—In a sweeping Oval Office address Thursday, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the greatest, most tremendous foreign policy in human history,” declaring that the United States will soon purchase every country on Earth and rebrand the planet as “Trump Earth.”
“Listen, folks, we’ve got a lot of bad deals out there,” Trump said, gesturing at a hastily drawn Sharpie map of the world with giant red arrows pointing to Greenland, Canada, Panama Canal, and “that little skinny part of Africa nobody talks about.” “Mexico? Paid for the wall, but they’re still complaining. China? Stealing our stuff. Europe? Freeloaders. Time to cut out the middleman. We’re buying it all. Cash. No financing. Believe me.”
Administration officials confirmed the plan involves a multi-trillion-dollar offer funded by “tariffs on literally everything,” including air, sunlight, and “people who don’t say thank you enough.” Sources close to the White House say Trump personally negotiated the pitch via Truth Social DMs to world leaders, promising each nation “the best branding upgrade ever—golden Trump statues on every capital building, optional but highly recommended.”
Key elements of the “Trump Earth Initiative” include:
Greenland officially becoming “Trump’s Ice Palace Resort & Golf Course,” with mandatory Mar-a-Lago memberships for all residents.
Canada annexed as the 51st state, renamed “Upper Michigan,” and required to apologize daily for being so obsessed with hockey.
The Middle East peace plan updated to “everyone moves to Mars, we keep the oil rights here.”
NATO rebranded “Trump’s Very Strong Alliance Club,” with dues payable in Bitcoin or lifetime golf privileges at Bedminster.
Russia and China offered “huge discounts” if they agree to call Putin and Xi “Junior Partners” and let Trump name their next parades.
Critics expressed concern that the plan might violate international law, sovereignty, and basic physics, but Trump dismissed the objections. “Lawyers? Overrated. Sovereignty? Fake news. We’re talking art of the deal on a planetary scale. Nobody’s ever done anything like this. It’s going to be yuuuuuuge.”
When pressed on potential resistance from other nations, Trump shrugged. “They’ll come around. Everyone loves a winner. And if they don’t? Tariffs. Big ones. 1,000%. On their flags. Watch.”
The United Nations has yet to respond, though diplomats report the General Assembly chamber is now playing looped footage of Trump saying “you’re fired” on a continuous basis as background noise.
At press time, sources say Trump was finalizing paperwork to trademark “Earth” and sue any planet that tries to copy his branding.
