Do you ever scratch your head and wonder why other people just don’t get it?
Imagine your aging parents playfully teasing your child. Your child doesn’t like it, gets frustrated, and asks them to stop… but they persist. You have asked your parents to honor their grandchildren’s wishes and stop with the teasing, but they just won't stop. They scoff at your efforts to control them and assert that they are not doing anything wrong.
Imagine your adolescent college student needing help with a class or with registration. They ask for your help in a frustrated tone. You try to help, but they won’t let you look at their computer screen, touch their phone, or read their paper. They get even more frustrated and yell at you because you are not helping them correctly. You have told them many times that you can’t help them unless they give you access to their materials, but they just continue to fume at you.
In a similar vein, if you are a young adult, your parents might not understand your need for them to back off, stay out of your business, and give you more autonomy. And, if you are the parent of a young adult, you might not understand how your adult child can presume to live in your house rent-free without contributing to the upkeep and maintenance of the home.
So, why can’t people understand your perspective even though they want positive relationships with you and want your help?
Because they are low on the capacity for reflective functioning and struggle with empathic attunement.
Reflective functioning is the ability to see someone else’s worldview, bring their perspective into your awareness, and reflect it back to them in your own words, deeds, and facial expressions.
Empathic attunement is similar and relates to someone’s ability to bring another person’s emotional experience into their awareness, allow themselves to feel similar (although usually less intense) emotions in their own body… in other words, to become emotionally attuned.
Taken together, if you have the capacity for empathic attunement and reflective functioning, you should be able to understand someone else’s perspective and show them that you get it.
Don’t confuse empathy with care or sympathy. Empathy is an emotional skill and care is an attitude. Your parents may care a great deal about you and their grandchild but struggle to be empathetic or understand the child’s experience. Alternately, I may have empathy and understand someone else’s experience, but for a host of reasons, choose not to remove their suffering.
Here is what you can do:
Don’t assume that the other person is engaging in rational thought. Unfortunately, it is hard to make sense out of someone else’s nonsense. Most of us have the capacity to be rational but do not put it to use in daily practice.
Consider whether the other party might be neuroatypical or struggle with brain-based executive functioning (e.g., ADD, mild autism spectrum, impulsive). If they are, you might consider being more patient and forgiving.
If you think the other person has rational thinking and does not have a primary executive functioning deficit, and they still can’t see your perspective, they are probably just missing data. In other words, they have not taken the time or otherwise failed to get the information needed to guide their behavior. Your job is to see if you can get this data on their radar before they further solidify their attitudes or behaviors.
When you communicate, don’t express frustration or anger if you can help it. This actually distracts people from the true issue at hand (their empathic and perspective-taking failure) and makes it about you.
Ask guiding questions (being aware that a person who truly lacks perspective-taking skills might not be able to answer). This is a teaching opportunity, not a chance to lecture someone for their wrongdoing. In the grandparent example, you might ask: “Your grandchild seems upset with this teasing, what do you think he is feeling right now?” To your help-seeking student: “Have you thought about how I can help you if you won’t let me see your materials?” “What do you think my response is going to be to you when you yell at me while asking me to help you?
Take a direct approach when you can. Keep your discussion about your communication and emotional process… Focus on the content but realize that the over topic is only half of what is transpiring. Start with an invitation: “I wonder if you might be able to sit and listen while I share my perspective on something with you.” You then have to wait until you have a willing audience before you continue.
If the other person starts defending right away, “I didn’t do anything wrong!”, don’t get distracted and engage in that conversation. It is a “red herring” or a false argument that will distract you from your mission. You might say: “You don’t need to have done anything wrong for me to have had a certain experience of the event or have feelings and thoughts that I want you to be aware of.”
Nondefensively ask the other person to take a stab at reflecting to you what they imagine you are thinking or feeling. You will probably be surprised at how many seemingly insightful people can do this accurately when asked.
See if you can get a glimpse of the other person’s attachment style. If they are securely attached, they should have the capacity for empathic attunement and reflective functioning. If they are dismissing/avoidant, they may have learned across a lifetime to suppress their own emotions and negative feelings. If someone has suppressed their own thoughts and feelings, they aren’t going to have an easy time accessing yours. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if someone has an anxious or fearful attachment style they may be so aware of their own painful emotions that it blocks them from being able to see yours clearly.
Most importantly, take some time to see the offender’s perspective. Consider how they see the world and what thoughts/ideas are running through their head, before engaging in this discussion. Even seemingly “crazy” thoughts and behaviors can usually be understood if you can put yourself in the other person’s mindset (within limits). If someone is neuroatypical, see if you can imagine their frustration and difficult emotions and realize these emotions are true for them even if you are doing your best to help.
