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In a historic meeting that local psychics are calling "statistically impossible but on-brand," Donald Trump recently sat down with the ghost of George Washington in the Blue Room.
Witnesses say the meeting was civil, though Washington spent the first twenty minutes trying to figure out if the President’s tie was a "standard-issue battle flag" or "merely a very long, very red silk tongue."
The conversation reportedly began with a misunderstanding regarding the "Father of the Country" title.
"George, baby, you did a great job with the startup phase," Trump was heard saying, while leaning back in a chair that he had already personally appraised. "But I’ve taken the brand global. We’ve got the towers, we’ve got the rallies—you had a wooden boat and some guys in tights. It’s a different league."
Key Discussion Points:
Real Estate Logistics: Trump offered to help Washington "rebrand" Mount Vernon, suggesting that the "colonial-shabby-chic" look was hurting its resale value. "Needs more marble. And maybe a fountain that shoots diet soda. People love it."
The Cherry Tree Incident: Washington’s famous "I cannot tell a lie" story was met with a long, confused silence. Trump eventually broke it by patting Washington on the shoulder: "That’s your problem, George. You’ve gotta pivot. You didn't cut the tree; you 'downsized' it to create 'panoramic views.'"
The Wig Situation: Trump spent several minutes critiquing Washington’s powdered hair. "The powder is okay for the 1700s, but it gets on the suit. You need the spray. It’s like a helmet. I’ll send you a case."
The Policy Briefing
The two leaders attempted to discuss the Constitution, though the conversation stalled when Washington asked about the state of the "well-regulated militia."
| Topic | Washington's View | Trump's Rebuttal |
| Executive Power | "I refused a crown to ensure the survival of the Republic." | "I would have worn the crown. It would have been a great crown. The best diamonds." |
| Foreign Policy | "Avoid permanent alliances with any portion of the foreign world." | "I agree. Especially with the ones that don't pay their dues. They're deadbeats, George." |
| The Capitol | "A city of stone and swamp, built on the sweat of the free." | "It’s a swamp, alright. I'm draining it. Very messy. I might put a hotel over the drainage pipe." |
Trump pulled out a series of charts showing his TV ratings, which he laid out directly over Washington’s original hand-drawn map of the Ohio Valley.
Crossing the Delaware: "I saw the painting, George. Very small boat. Very dangerous. I would have used the yacht. A mega-yacht. We would’ve had a buffet on the way over. The Hessians would’ve surrendered just for the shrimp cocktail. You did it the hard way. I like people who weren't frozen in a rowboat."
Valley Forge: "Terrible location. No amenities. No heating. I would’ve built a tower there, put a 'Forge' spa in the basement, and charged the British triple for rooms. You missed a huge licensing opportunity with the 'Continental Army' brand. We could’ve sold the boots. Oh wait, you didn't have boots. Sad."
The Conclusion
As the spirit of the first President began to fade back into the ether, he reportedly offered one final piece of advice: "Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism."
Trump allegedly replied, "Is that a quote? We should put that on a hat. Can we get 'Pretended Patriotism' in a nice neon font? No, wait—let's just stick with 'MAGA.' It’s punchier."
Washington reportedly sighed so deeply it blew out three candles and several nearby lightbulbs before vanishing.
