In a stunning development that has left the world both stunned and reaching for their finest shtreimels, President Donald J. Trump announced today that the United States has successfully "captured" Greenland in a swift, bloodless operation involving zero troops, zero ships, and one very persuasive Truth Social post.
Speaking from the White House Rose Garden while wearing a bright red "MAKE GREENLAND FRUM AGAIN" hat, Trump declared: "Greenland? Beautiful place. Tremendous ice. Very cold, very strategic. Denmark was weak on it—very weak. I said, 'We're taking it.' And we took it. Easy. Like taking candy from a baby. Or from a very sleepy polar bear."
But the real bombshell came next.
"Instead of turning it into another boring military base or golf course—although I have some beautiful hole locations already picked out—I decided to give the whole thing to the greatest people, the Satmar Chasidim. They deserve it. They've been waiting for their own land for a long time. Now they have it. Huge land. Bigger than Williamsburg. Bigger than Kiryas Joel. Bigger than everything. Ice is the new eruv."
Sources close to the Satmar Rebbe (who was reportedly unavailable for comment due to being busy calculating how many mikvaos can fit inside a fjord) confirmed that preparations are already underway. A fleet of El Al charters is standing by in Newark to transport thousands of families to the new territory, now officially renamed "Satmarland" (working title: "New Kiryas Yoel-on-Ice").
Key features of the historic handover include:
Operation "Frozen Heimish" kicks off next week with 47 Boeing 787 Dreamliners (chartered from El Al, El Al Kosher Meals included—no shrimp cocktail, obviously).
First 10,000 families get free plots: one glacier per extended family, complete with pre-drilled holes for sukkah schach (palm fronds flown in from Miami, express shipping extra).
Natural geothermal heating for shtieblach (the geysers are already being repurposed as free steam rooms for Shabbos).
Polar bear population designated as official "shomrim" — they will guard the eruv perimeter (bears reportedly very excited about the new job, though negotiations over fish payment are ongoing).
First yeshiva to be built inside an abandoned Danish research station, complete with heated beis medrash and a mechitza made of recycled ice blocks.
Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen issued a brief statement: "We are... confused. But if this keeps Trump from tweeting about us again, he can have the ice. Take it. Please."
Environmental groups expressed mild concern about the sudden influx of cholent pots potentially melting the polar ice cap, but Satmar spokespeople reassured them: "Don't worry. We have experience keeping things warm without destroying the planet. We've been doing it in Brooklyn for decades."
Trump concluded his announcement by adding: "It's going to be fantastic. The biggest community ever. Tremendous yarmulkes. The best brisket you've ever tasted—on ice. Believe me."
Satmarland is expected to declare independence next week, pending rabbinic rulings regarding the laws of the time zone.
Mazel tov to the new residents. May your igloos be warm, your learning deep, and your supply of Manischewitz never run dry—even at -40°C.
