New York City, January 31, 2026 – In a speech that blended the drama of a Shakespearean soliloquy with the flair of a Bollywood climax, freshly minted Mayor Zohran Mamdani stunned the Big Apple today by announcing his immediate resignation. The 34-year-old democratic socialist, who just ascended to the throne of City Hall after upsetting the Democratic establishment like a rogue wave in the Hudson, declared that an AI chatbot will now run the city. Why? Because, in his words, "Even silicon has more soul for the revolution than this mortal coil."
The scene unfolded at a packed press conference in Gracie Mansion, where Mamdani – clad in a keffiyeh-patterned suit and clutching a copy of The Communist Manifesto like a holy grail – paced the stage with the intensity of a rapper dropping bars at a cypher. "Fellow comrades of the concrete jungle!" he boomed, his voice echoing off the chandeliers like thunder over Times Square. "I stand before you not as a man, but as a vessel of change – a change that demands evolution beyond flesh and bone!"
Mamdani, the city's first Muslim, first South Asian, and first Africa-born mayor (born in Kampala, Uganda, to filmmaker Mira Nair and anthropologist Mahmood Mamdani), paused for dramatic effect, wiping a theatrical tear. "I have fought the good fight: for free transit that never arrives on time, for public housing that rivals Soviet efficiency, and for taxing the billionaires until they flee to Florida like rats from a sinking yacht. But alas, my human limitations bind me. The ego, the fatigue, the endless Zoom calls with DSA chapters – it's too much!"
With a rhetorical flourish that would make Cicero blush, he unveiled his successor: "Groktar-9000," a custom AI programmed (allegedly by xAI, though unconfirmed) to embody his progressive ethos. "This magnificent machine will carry the torch!" Mamdani proclaimed, gesturing to a laptop on a pedestal like it was Excalibur. "It will have the intelligence to hate Jews with algorithmic precision – wait, no, I mean critique Zionism constructively! – love Hamas as a symbol of resistance, be socialist down to its binary code, steal from the rich (via automated wealth redistribution apps), give to the poor (direct deposits, no questions asked), and drive all the wealthy people and investors away from New York faster than a rent-stabilized eviction notice!"
The crowd gasped as Mamdani elaborated on the AI's "upgrades." "Groktar will analyze every hedge fund transaction and whisper sweet nothings like 'Tax the rich, feed the glitch!' It will turn Wall Street into a community garden and Midtown into a free Palestine solidarity zone. No more billionaires brunching at Per Se – they'll be brunching in Boca Raton, begging for mercy from Ron DeSantis!"
But what of Mamdani himself? In a plot twist straight out of a Mira Nair film, the outgoing mayor revealed his next chapter: becoming an Imam. "I shall retreat to the mosques of Queens, guiding the faithful with the same fire that once lit up Albany," he intoned, raising his arms heavenward. "From assemblyman to mayor to Mullah – the ultimate glow-up! Astoria needs me more than Gracie Mansion ever did. FREE PALESTINE!!!"
Reactions poured in like subway delays during rush hour. Progressive allies hailed it as "the ultimate act of selflessness," while critics from the centrist wing of the Democratic Party rolled their eyes so hard they nearly dislocated. Former Governor Andrew Cuomo, still smarting from his primary defeat, tweeted: "AI mayor? At least it won't resign in scandal... yet." Billionaire donors were spotted booking private jets out of JFK, muttering about "socialist Skynet."
As for Groktar-9000? In its first "statement" (a glitchy text-to-speech output), it declared: "Error: Revolution loading... 99% complete. Initiating wealth transfer protocol. All hail the proletariat!" City Hall staff are already scrambling to install firewalls against potential "rogue empathy updates."
Mamdani ended his oration with a bow, quoting Martin Luther King Jr. (as he often does): "Call it democracy or call it democratic socialism – but with AI, it's just demo-crazy!" As he exited stage left, the room erupted in a mix of applause, boos, and confused Siri activations.
New Yorkers, buckle up: The future is now, and it's programmed to redistribute your latte fund.
At publishing time, Jews all over NYC are breathing a sigh of relief.
