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WASHINGTON, D.C. - In what is being perceived as a possible attempt to deflect months of criticism over his policies, inappropriate behavior, and years of investigations into corruption, President Trump came out as gay Sunday morning.
"I owe you all the sincerest apology for my deeply inappropriate, deranged behavior, and I am sorry for the sense of dread you have all been forced to live with since 2016," Trump said during a solemn video address as he choked back tears.
"I choose now to live as a gay man," he announced, causing the camera crew to break out in applause.
Immediately after the announcement, Trump's poll numbers skyrocketed, with unprecedented support for his policies erupting throughout the nation and media as the news broke. Trump's all-time low approval rating of 38% almost instantaneously exploded to 97%, while the vast majority of his outspoken critics on the left voiced their support for his courage and bravery.
Furthermore, the shrewd political move of coming out as gay accomplished numerous goals: It ended federal investigations into Russian influence on the 2016 election, with FBI special investigator Robert Mueller apologizing for ever looking into the matter; Everyone involved in the assualt upon the Capitol building has been pardoned; CNN has proclaimed him one of the 5 most brave and courageous Presidents ever; Iran said that if Trump attacks they will respond with unbridled fury because they totally hate gay people and also they will not be willing to suffer the embarrassment of being defeated by a gay guy.
Time will tell what other ramifications this announcement will have on the geo-political scene.
In the meantime, First Lady Melania Trump is reportedly very confused about what this will mean about their future together.
Former Biden press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, herself gay, lauded Trump for his bravery and added: "I knew it all along but better late than never."
