Washington, D.C. – January 18, 2026
In a plot twist that even the most feverish QAnon fever dream couldn't conjure, Tucker Carlson – the man who once stared into the camera like he was trying to hypnotize a nation of bass fishermen – has become the unofficial "Whisperer-in-Chief" to President Donald Trump. Sources close to the Oval Office (okay, fine, it's just a guy who delivers the Big Macs) report that Carlson has been haunting the White House corridors like a gaunt ghost from Fox News past, making not one, not two, but multiple visits in the span of two weeks. And folks, he's looking thinner than a vegan's argument at a steakhouse.
Eyewitnesses describe Carlson as "scary thin," prompting wild speculation across the MAGA-verse. Is it Ozempic? Intermittent fasting on nothing but Greenlandic ice cubes? Or perhaps he's been subsisting solely on the tears of his critics? One anonymous White House aide whispered, "He showed up for lunch with Trump, but all he ordered was a side of conspiracy theories. The president offered him a burger, and Tucker just stared at it like it was a deep-state plot."
The visits come amid a full-blown MAGA civil war that's got more infighting than a family reunion at Mar-a-Lago. Conservative firebrand Laura Loomer – known for her subtle takes like "Everyone I disagree with is a lizard person" – blasted Carlson's Oval Office access, tweeting, "Every time Tucker visits the White House, JD Vance's 2028 chances shrink faster than Tucker's waistline. Be ready to be exposed!" Exposed for what? Influencing Trump to rethink bombing Iran? Or worse, suggesting they annex Greenland instead?
Ah yes, Greenland. In a recent episode of The Tucker Carlson Show (now broadcast from what appears to be a bunker stocked with doomsday prepper snacks), Carlson boldly declared that the U.S. seizing the icy island would "end NATO" and be a "huge victory for the world and the United States." Because nothing says "global stability" like turning the Arctic into America's backyard igloo. "What are the downsides?" Carlson mused, presumably while ignoring the part where Denmark declares war via IKEA flat-packs. Trump, ever the real estate mogul, is reportedly intrigued: "Greenland? It's green, it's land – what's not to like? We'll build a wall around it, and the polar bears will pay for it!"
But Carlson's White House jaunts aren't just about polar conquests. He's been spotted schmoozing with Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Chief of Staff Susie Wiles, allegedly lobbying against U.S. involvement in the Middle East. This has sparked outrage from pro-Israel hawks, with the ADL declaring Carlson has "no place in the White House – or any house, really." Meanwhile, Carlson's recent interview with Putin advisor Sergey Karaganov – where they pondered "What if Putin gets assassinated?" – has critics accusing him of being softer on Russia than a babushka's hug. And let's not forget his October chat with white supremacist Nick Fuentes, which had Ben Shapiro tweeting in all caps about "bad optics," and Laura Loomer threatening to "expose" Carlson's alleged Qatar ties.
Trump, for his part, defended his pal during a rambling presser: "Tucker's a great guy. Smart, terrific. He interviewed that Fuentes kid – big deal. We don't like antisemites in MAGA, but Tucker's not one. He's just... asking questions." Questions like: Why not invade Venezuela for its oil? Or why not skip the 2028 election altogether? (Okay, that last one might be Trump freelancing.)
As the MAGA infighting escalates – with Loomer warning of "exposure" over Iran and Israel policies – one thing's clear: Tucker Carlson, once the bow-tied boy wonder of cable news, has evolved into the skeletal sage of the second Trump era. Is he pulling the strings? Or just pulling a fast one on us all? Either way, if he gets any thinner, he might disappear entirely – perhaps into one of his own conspiracy rabbit holes.
