In a bombshell monologue that lasted exactly 47 minutes and 13 seconds (because numerology is real and 13 is the number the elites hate most), Tucker Carlson last night revealed the true enemy of the American people: gravity.
Seated in his signature dimly lit studio—rumored to be lit exclusively by candles made from rendered-down copies of the Constitution—Tucker stared directly into the camera with the intensity of a man who just discovered his bowtie was bugged by Big Physics.
“For too long,” he began, voice dropping to that signature whisper-shout hybrid, “we’ve been told that things fall down because of some ‘natural law.’ But ask yourself: who benefits when you can’t float to work? The same people who control the weather, the banks, and apparently now the fundamental force that keeps your feet on the ground.”
Footage then cut to a dramatic reenactment: a cartoonish “globalist” (wearing a top hat labeled “DAVOS” and twirling a mustache that defied physics itself) pushing a helpless American worker downward with an oversized anvil marked “Newton’s Laws.”
Tucker continued: “I’ve done the research. I’ve talked to experts—real experts, not the ones they pay off with grant money. And they all agree: if gravity were truly neutral, why do poor people fall harder? Why do red-state counties experience 14% more stubbed toes per capita? Coincidence? I think not.”
In a move that has already sent shockwaves through both the physics community and the supplement industry, Tucker announced the launch of “Patriot Levitation Powder”—a proprietary blend of “vetted minerals, holy water from a undisclosed American spring, and trace amounts of 2020 election integrity.” One scoop in your morning coffee, he promised, and “you’ll be rising above the narrative—literally.”
Critics were quick to respond. The American Physical Society issued a statement reading simply: “No.” Meanwhile, Candace Owens appeared on Tucker’s show to agree that gravity is “probably woke” and suggested replacing it with “biblical buoyancy.”
Perhaps most tellingly, Tucker ended the segment by jumping off a stepladder to demonstrate his prototype anti-gravity boots. Viewers watched in stunned silence as he landed exactly as physics would predict—on his feet, but with a facial expression suggesting he had just been personally betrayed by Sir Isaac Newton.
“Look,” he said, dusting himself off while maintaining unbroken eye contact with the lens, “they want you heavy. They want you grounded. They want you compliant. But I say: enough. Float free, America. Float free.”
The segment closed with Tucker’s new catchphrase superimposed over slow-motion footage of an eagle soaring above Mount Rushmore:
“Defy the pull. Expose the force.”
Patriot Levitation Powder is available now at TuckerCarlsonNetwork.shop for the low, low price of $79.99 per jar (plus $420 “truth surcharge”). Supplies are limited—because apparently even freedom has a weight limit.
