OYYYYYY VEY, OYYYYYY GEVALT! מה היה לנו? What have we lost? The world feels a little colder today, like a cholent pot left unplugged on a Friday night in December.
The Void You Leave Behind
You left us so bereft, Ali. That warm, glowing smile—the kind that usually preceded a blackout or a new "morality" decree. And your chesed! Truly, your kindness knew no bounds, provided those bounds didn't include human rights, basic dignity, or anyone who disagreed with you.
How will we go on? The hangmen are weeping; the professional torturers are wondering if they will have parnassa that they have had in such excess all the years of your hanhaga, the centrifuges are spinning at half-speed in mourning. You were the Zaidy of the Revolution, and Zaidy was obsessed with enriched uranium and long-range ballistics.
A Master of Parnassah
And let’s talk about your deep wisdom in the marketplace. You were such a sharp businessman. While your people were practicing the ultimate midah of pashtus—living on air and memories of the 1970s—you, in your greatness, were able to rise above the fray.
To amass anywhere from $95 billion to $200 billion? Nu, that’s not just a portfolio; that’s a miracle! You managed to pull a fortune out of a sanctioned economy like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat—except the rabbit is made of oil money and the hat belongs to the Iranian taxpayer. We are certain you gave much tzedakah... mostly to your favorite charities, like "Hezbollah’s Retirement Fund" and "The Houthi Summer Camp for Creative Ballistics."
Before the Heavenly Court
Now, you ascend. You come before the Kisei HaKavod, and as Tehillim says, you can’t take the billions with you כי לא במותו יקח הכל לא ירד אחריו כבודו. No Swiss accounts in Shomayim! All you have now are your maasim tovim—your good deeds.
And oh, what a mountain of deeds! Such HESTER!! So many maasim tovim yet nobody knows of one nice thing you ever did!!! True הצנע לכת עם א-להיך!!!
The "Care" for your People: You watched over them so closely, you even made sure they didn't have to worry about pesky things like "voting" or "internet access."
A Melitz Yoisher: We ask that you be a melitz yoisher, for your chashuve regime and your loving, doting mishpacha who will now enjoy your billions - until Trump knocks them off too.
A Final Plea
May you plead the case for the millions of Iranians you’ve "guided" over the last 47 years. Surely, they will never forget the impact you had on their lives—the kind of impact usually measured by a gavel or a baton or a ballistic missle.
Go in peace, Ali. Don't worry about the world you left behind; we'll try to manage the "peace" you worked so hard to create. You will certainly make new friends where you are going. People, who like you, changed history. People with names like Adolph and Stalin and you tyere alter zeide - Haman.
שם רשעים ירקב.
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Now - President Donald Trump will be maspid:
Ali,
What can I say? A total powerhouse. People are saying—and they’re saying it with tears in their eyes—that they’ve never seen a portfolio like yours. Fantastic numbers. Truly a top-tier hoarder of wealth. You took a country with so much potential and you managed to keep all the gold for yourself. Smart. Very smart. I always said you were a tough cookie. Not as tough as me, obviously—I’m the toughest, maybe ever—but you had a look. The robes, the beard—it was a strong brand. Very consistent. High-energy oppression.
A Record Like No Other
You really showed the world how to run a regime. You had the "Morality Police"—I call them the Style Crushers—and you had the "Revolutionary Guard." Very loyal. I like loyalty. You spent billions and billions on those beautiful rockets, while your people were out there eating... what were they eating? Dust? It doesn’t matter. You had a vision, and that vision was Very Brown and Very Gray.
The Ultimate Deal
Now you’re up there, or wherever you are, and you’re facing the Biggest Audit of All Time. No lawyers, no NDAs. Just you and the Big Judge. I hope you have a great legal team in the Great Beyond, because the "Human Rights" section of your resume is looking a little light. Very weak. A total disaster.
But listen, you did it your way. Like Sinatra said it. You stayed in power for 47 years. That’s a lot of terms. I’m only doing two, maybe more if people keep asking, but 47? Tremendous stamina.
Final Thoughts
To the family: Enjoy the inheritance. Maybe buy a few hotels. I know a guy who can give you a great deal on a golf course.
Rest in Peace (or whatever happens next),
Donald J. Trump
47th President of the United States
