Senator John Kennedy, Republican of Louisiana, recently published a book, How to Test Negative for Stupid and Why Washington Never Will. The book is a quippy, quotable account of his life and career, swollen with observations about Washington, DC, and its most famous denizens. Here are some of the senator’s frankest remarks about his fellow political figures, some of whom he insists he’s actually quite fond.
Donald Trump: The President “has an untamed mouth” and “exists loudly” and will “reach over with a straw and drink your milkshake” and will “eat anything that won’t eat him first, with a bias toward Big Macs.”
Joe Biden: He’s a man with “less credibility than a Jussie Smollett police report” whose poll numbers during his presidency were “headed down like a fat guy on a seesaw.” Biden’s “favorite type of spending was more. If we had discovered life on Mars, I have no doubt that Biden and the congressional Democrats would have tried to send it money.” [When a Democrat said he wouldn't, Kennedy quipped "I appreciate your newfound fiscal conservatism"].
Mitch McConnell: “I did see him smile once in 2017.”
Chuck Schumer: He “just read[s] monotone from staff written scripts,” but “when he cuts loose, [he’s] like a five-year-old in a Batman costume on a sugar high.”
John Fetterman: The senator “sometimes looks like he paused his videogame to come vote on a bill.”
Bernie Sanders: He “smiles with the frequency of a total solar eclipse” and is “almost always wrong but never in doubt.”
Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris: They “kept finding new ways to be stupid, and there weren’t enough childless cat people to bail them out.”
Lindsey Graham: The senator’s motto sometimes seems to be “Don’t be part of the problem—be the whole problem,” and if you “want to stump Lindsey, just ask him to name a country he wouldn’t bomb.” If he’s invited to dinner, “you don’t know if he’ll sit down for an intelligent conversation or get drunk and vomit in the fish tank. But that’s why I like him.”
Bill de Blasio: “U-Haul’s Salesman of the Year, thanks to the number of people fleeing his city.”
Gavin Newsom: He’s “got nice hair,” but “your aunt’s Facebook page has more credibility.”
Biden staffers: They’re “tofu-eating woke-arati” whose ideas are “transparently deranged” to “anyone who wasn’t homeschooled by a day drinker.”
David Duke supporters: They’re “like someone asked ChatGPT to generate the perfect conehead, and they cloned themselves.”
